karmic debt

torn by whips of karmic scorn .. (like in jeff buckley’s song ‘mojo’), i have been struggling with the painfully conscious realisation of my family’s karma .. something i had not delved into too much or given much credence or thought to until this year ..

we all have our ‘issues’ in relationships, but i didn’t see how deep the psychological wound was within my own family till this year .. i have always felt the ’sins of the father’ complex weighed heavily upon me since i was a child .. being a capricorn, emotional responsibility was lumped upon me at a very young age & i still deal with ‘father-daughter’ issuesto this very day.

what i assumed was a karmic debt ‘pattern’ between my parents & myself may have escalated into a family curse i think – or so a part of my psyche has been led me to believe ..

i have been struggling with standing up for ‘intrinsic values’ & letting people know the degree of damage that has been inflicted upon others (just so that they are made aware of this) .. but then i think, what is my outcome in doing so? do i really expect them to change or feel sorry about what they have done? you can’t always teach a dog new tricks ..

don’t get me wrong – i’ve studied NLP & am an analytical psych student / analyst, so i value the ability to make changes within ones own frame of reference & am spiritualist in the positive spin of things .. but sometimes the constant anger, frustration & resentment gets the better of me .. despite, a lot of internal processing for much of this year, i have repressed my feelings for far too long (in an attempt to be the spiritual enlightened zen ‘purple’ sheep in the flock) ..

i wonder whether it is just my lot to play the cards i’ve been dealt .. or whether it is more about radically changing the way i view my world from hereon in – the new generation, since i’m the oldest of the next lot .. i guess i’ve been told to ‘let go’ of what the older generation have done & concentrate on re-writing karmic accountability for the next generation ..

~ by Brazen Sync on August 29, 2008.